About two weeks ago, I told my boyfriend “I think it’s stupid to wait till New Years to make goals” but here I am making goals. When I made that comment, I thought about all those people who go to the gym for a month and than give up and repeatedly do this every year. But a lot of people have realistic goals and you see images on imgur and stuff of people aiming to lose 100 lbs in 2013 and have done so now that is the new year!
I mean, you should always be making goals in life but New Years is a time to really step your foot down and be like “that’s it!”. It’s symbolic of “new” which can be synonymous with change.
I had a terrible New Years eve but something made it special which is spending time with two people I really value - my boyfriend and best friend. The club was awful, the crowd was trashy and digusting - the music - trance, which is good…is really only that “Great” when your on drugs. I would have rather stayed at home, gone to a joint that played some fun retro tunes - something other than THAT.
I had such a bad trip - a mixture of mary jane, tons of alcohol and energy drink which proved to be a deadly concotion for myself. As I was sitting on the washroom floor - i thought - “that’s it - I am going to die”. I literally felt like I was losing concisouness - I could not control my mind, my thoughts, my actions. I felt “helpless”. I’ve never felt like this in my life. As thoughts of death lingered through my mind - I thought “if i get through this - i am going to quit drinking and drugs”. Now today here I am and although I am not going to quit alcohol 100% - I am going to limit it significantly. I dedicate this year to as much sobriety as possible. If I am going to go out - which is MAYBE, at most - once a month, I should be able to have fun on 2-3 drinks. I definietely quite mary jane. And molly - MAYBE once or twice a year but don’t bet on it. I know this isn’t the best but it’s siginficantly different from my past habits. Before this summer- every time I went to a rave, I had to take molly. After EDC - I’ve taken it once. Weed I sort of quit but never really thought of myself as “completely” giving up - just simply taking a “break” from. Alcohol - well let’s just say I set myself to get as “hammered” as possible. EEK.
I shouldn’t need to get hammered to tolerate the club scene in Toronto. I mean the scene is such a turn off, filled with people who are there only to get laid. People who are there to show off. Violent, angry people who lack goals. You become your surroundings and I started to become an angry person who lacked self control and did not set goals for myself.
I do not want my life to become a repetition of every single week -i.e. work, cook, gym and party. It’s miserable.
I am sick of this EDM life, raver, plur bullshit. I like EDM - I love going to festivals and shows but I do want to base my life, my goals and my hobbies on this. I do notwant to make friends SIMPLY based on the same music we like. I do not want to meet new people while I am on drugs or hammered. I want to meet new people like I met my boyfriend and my closest friends, at work, school etc - i.e. everyday things, where it’s possible to see people for who they are. Your partner and friend should not be based on how well you party together - that is an aspect but not the foundation. I am thankful for this small safety net I have which also includes my family but this obsession with edm blurred my vision and caused me to pick up some bad habits. I am getting older - which means I need to mature up. I don’t want to be a 30 real old fucking raver. I want to be married, with kids, making a good income and having more credentials than just a degree. Sure - I can still go to festivals when I am that age, there is no limit to that but there’s more to life than this.
In addition to giving up habits which have blemished my mental and physical well being. I am going to continue going to the gym (even harder), continue eating healthy and give up even more carbs and sugar. Reading more books, going to plays, watching more movies, taking dance lessons, volunteering and trying my best to get OUT of this city within the next 2-3 years.
I realized those people who you see, meet at raves, at clubs and bars - the people you meet while you are wasted will likely not matter in the next 10 years or even next day so why continually ‘invest’ in this lifestlye. Where you are working, where you have travelled, where you live etc., WILL matter in 10 years. Drug and alcohol abuse WILL catch up to you and severely affect your mind, body and soul. So learn to control, set goals that are challenges - that will make life more interesting.
That is all! Stay positive, always and don’t lose sight of who you are and who you CAN become. :)
I haven’t posted on tumblr in so long - aside from my instagram pictures and stuff.
So hello to all and Merry Christmas. :)